Dictionary of Unknown Organ Stops

 

8’ Dullciana – Only played to put the audience to sleep. Often played with the 16’ Boredom.

 

8’ Stopped-up Flute – Keep the Roto-Rooter man on call if you have one of these in the organ.

 

8’ Roarflute –The loudest flute stop in the organ.

 

4’ Krummpet – Cross between a Krummhorn and a Trumpet. Mainly used to accompany Tea Dances.

 

16’ Bombardment – Large caliber pedal stop. It is wise to buy only the smokeless powder version of this stop. Its biggest disadvantage is the necessity to reload in the middle of long bass passages.

 

32’ Counter Bombardment – A really macho complement to the 16’ Bombardment. Place these two on opposite sides of the organ and watch the fireworks! Not recommended for buildings constructed of un-reinforced masonry.

 

4’ AcetylSalicet – Played to offset the headache generated by playing the 16’ Bombardment and the 32’ Counter Bombardment.

 

16’ Proctophone – Extremely loud and rude pedal stop. Useful with the 4’ Flatulence.

 

16’ Baboon – Reed stop of African origin. Smells mildly of bananas.

 

8’ Salacious – Belongs in the X-Rated division of the organ along with the Sexaphone, the HotBois, and the Gemshorny.

 

4’ Gambino – A short Italian version of the Gamba. When this stop speaks, you listen - if you know what’s good for you.

 

8’ Violent Diapason – Makes a good match with the 4’ Gambino to accompany gangster films.

 

4’ Spits Flute – A raincoat is recommended when playing this one. Isolate this stop to keep it from warping the wooden pipes.

 

8’ ViDeO – One of the few really new organ stops. Requires cable or satellite connection.

 

8’ Trumped up – Not a real organ stop at all. Invented by an unscrupulous organ salesman to make the stop tabs symmetrical.

 

8’ Hobo – Shabby and poorly made stop. Grateful for any spare change the tuner might have.

 

Zinfandel IV – Made from old wine bottles. More colorful than the Chardonnay IV.

 

8’ Geiger Diapason – Made of (almost) depleted Uranium. Easy to find because it glows in the dark. When tuning this stop, it is wise to don your lead-lined underwear.

 

6 7/8’ Genetic Mutation – A stop which spontaneously appeared next to the 8’ Geiger Diapason.

 

2 2/3’ Lizard – Keep this away from the 8’ Geiger Diapason. Might mutate into a 10 2/3’ Godzilla.

 

Plain Joe Mixture – Made from old Folger’s coffee cans. None of this Espresso or Latte stuff.

 

8’ Vox Inhumana – A short stubby reed which is nearly impossible to keep in tune.

 

1 1/3’ Lariat – Originally developed in Texas to accompany Western films.

 

5 1/3’ Quint Eastwood – Another part of the Western division of the organ alongside the Lariat